Monday, February 13, 2012

I Love Valentine's Day...But It Makes Me Sick...

I don't have a problem with the idea of Valentine's Day.

This may come as a surprise to anyone who regularly reads this blog (all 4 of you...and, while I'm at it, HI MAM!!!!) but nope, I actually believe the idea of Valentine's Day is positively lovely.

People give out and say: "Ugh! Why does everyone need to show their love for someone on a particular day? Should you not show your love for them EVERY day?!" Well you'll note that the majority of these people are usually single or have just experienced very little love in their lives in general. They're the type of people who are, right now, slowly constructing their army of cats for their eventual life-long war against loneliness.

Nope, maybe it's old age kicking in, but I'm actually a bit of a soppy old fart* . If you know me, you'll know that I love playing the entertainer in any given situation and putting on a getting to put on a full show and make a big deal of one person in particular actually gets me quite excited. Plus, you ALWAYS get the ride for your troubles, so it's win-win.

What I hate about Valentine's Day, though, is what it brings out in us as a human race.

You've either got one side of the spectrum: the unbearably lovestruck couple. Usually it consists of a woman who you know puts out too early for a lad every single time and ends up with her heart broken at the end of it all...screaming "WHY?!?" to herself while the rest of the world quietly mutters "em...because you're a tramp?!" under their breath simultaneously. Her partner is generally a skanger-looking bloke known to hump anything that moves. And the unstoppable force of him humping anything and her looking to hump her way into someone's hearts creates something the pair of them, at least, while the rest of the world waits for it to all fall apart.

This woman apparently finds it impossible to have a conversation without bringing her boyfriend's name into it, or failing that, casually reminding you that she does, in fact, have a boyfriend. No matter what the conversation is and no matter how bad of an excuse it is to bring him up.

For example, you're telling her about how you won €400 on the horses the other day. Her response? "Oh my god, that's so weird! My boyfriend just told me yesterday that he takes home €400 a week from his job, after PAYE and Universal Social Charge! How freaky is that?!"

It's not freaky at all. You just heard the words €400 and decided to rape my attention by reminding me that there is someone out there deluded enough to find you loveable. Now kindly fuck off out of my life forever.

On the other side, you've got the boyfriend, who you'll constantly have to REMIND that he, in fact, has a girlfriend. This is because he'll give himself some kind of neck injury eventually from all the glancing he'll do whenever a female with a pair of remotely visible breasts walks past him. Not to mention when you're out in a club with him. The only words you'll hear from him from the night are the words "We're just talking!" every time you try and remind him that his missus' best friend is watching him like a hawk.

And yet, talk to this couple and you'll be convinced that all of this, quite frankly, appalling behaviour is perfectly normal and what every person should aspire to. You may even hear them say as much with such sly patronising comments as "I wish everyone in the world could be as happy as me!"

If you're single, expect them to say the words "What you need to do..." to you a lot, and expect to bite your tongue whenever you feel like saying "Look, if I did that, then I'd be you. And then I'd hang myself. So thanks, but no thanks, for the advice Dr Phil." If you're also in a relationship, then they'll try to bring every story you say back to them by relating where they really don't need to ("We were watching a movie last night, it was so sad..." "Awwww...I love watching movies cuddled up to my Micka!!!")

Do NOT befriend both boyfriend and girlfriend on Facebook, for god's sake. If you are unfortunate enough to already have, delete one or both. Because then you'll be inundated by their luvvy-dubby messages where they are so gosh-darn smitten that they apparently forget that phones were invented and send each other sickeningly cheesy public declarations of love. You know, just in case all of their friends forget they are in LOVE with each other. Or just so other girls know that this guy is taken. Because they trust each other like that, such is the depth of their 'luv xxxxxxxxx'.

On the opposite side of the spectrum is the silently depressed single person. The one who needs to let you know time and time again that their relationship status is BY CHOICE!!! Thus, they are implying that they get about 50 texts, pokes and mails from prospective suitors each day and barely have the TIME, what with all this interest from the opposite sex that they SOOOO get, to inform you that this IS a choice. The fact that they're single, that is. That's what they want. Maybe forever. They haven't chosen that far ahead yet.

Except you didn't exactly ask them why they were single. You asked them how their day was...

That wouldn't even be so bad if you didn't have to listen to the same shite this time last year. And the year before. AAAAND the year before that. And, now that you think about it, they do it every Christmas too.

So every year, come either November or the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, you have to run through the same routine in every conversation with this person and, later, every Facebook status you see from them. They beat the shit out of you with unsolicited reminders about their choice to be single until you've written out the reply "WE GET THE FUCKING POINT!!!!" at least 40 times, then thought better and deleted it for fear they'd use it as an excuse to call you and get into an hour-long rant hammering home the same point.

The routine continues when, after what seems like an age of the above behaviour, they go quiet for a while: That's when they've found someone. Then they get into a relationship and BECOME the sickening couple that we've discussed above. And they don't shut the fuck up about how in LOVE they are etc etc etc.

And, throughout all of this, as the years roll by they apparently never notice this seemingly endless cycle. They fail to learn from history and, thus, are doomed to repeat it. That is, until I imagine they become old enough that their "SINGLE BY CHOICE" cries for help no longer appeal to the horny nature of desperate twats. So, one Christmas, they settle for a lifetime of dissatisfaction with whatever poor, desperate twat they seem to be riding at that point in their life. Or they just die alone. And never stop reminding you that doing so was a fucking choice. Those words will probably be on their tombstone.

If it was MY choice, they'd have just died to begin with and I could've skipped all the waffling and bullshit drama in between and got on with my life in peace.

To me, true love needs neither broadcast nor advertisement. If you feel truly happy within yourself, you're happy to just be and don't need to update your friends and family every time you see them, without them actually asking. Whether it's sitting at home on your own watching your favourite TV show or sitting out underneath the stars with the love of your life.

During those oh-so-brief interludes of happiness we have until some shitstorm comes and spoils it all, we genuinely don't give a shit if anyone thinks we're pussy whipped or going to die a crazy cat lady (I don't know what I was more insulted by when someone said I was going to end up the latter: the fact they thought I'd die alone, or that they thought I'd have a sex change operation along the way). If you are really happy in your nappy, then by all means clap your hands. But don't go out of your way to tell me that clapping your hands was a choice you made. I don't care. Just do it and be happy that you did it.

And, for that reason, I think it's nice that we have a day when those that have found love and are happy together put everything else aside and happy together! If you're not one of those people, shit it's on a Tuesday this year, you wouldn't be doing anything anyway so why would you be any more depressed than you are on a random Tuesday anyway?

Have a good Valentine's Day guys. I know I will. I'll be spending it on my own. But, just for the record, that's by choice.

*So much of a sap am I that I cry at any remotely sad scene in a movie or TV show these days. I'm like Chandler in that episode of Friends. Most recently, I actually cried at the mid-season finale of 'The Walking Dead'. Yes, the part where a little girl (image below) got shot in the face. No, I'm not lying. I'm an unconventional sop, mind.

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