- Robin Williams
In the dayjob, I work with all women. This has its benefits and its downsides. A downside is that I'm like a moving target if one of said women has an argument or big break-up with a guy. She's got it into her head that all men are pigs and, oohh, look, *I* have a penis. The sarcastic reply "How do you think I am?" is one that I'm all-too-familiar with.
A benefit, on the other hand, is that I get on much better with women than lads. Though my closest friends would be men, the vast majority of others that I'd speak to on a day-to-day basis are female. Mainly because I can't handle the competitive tedium that seems to act as a necessary prelude to bonding with another male. For example, you're having a conversation about shared interests and try to lighten the mood with a self-depreciating story.
"So I got so drunk the other night, I lost 8-0 to the computer on FIFA...on AMATEUR mode. Don't ya hate when that happens?!"
Then this random man will, almost on queue, adopt a deadly serious manner, start looking around as if he's an FBI agent about to pass on uber-classified information, shift towards me and say, "Actually...no. I have never lost a game of FIFA, in my life. If you don't believe me, I can show you an iPhone picture I took of my ranking in the online league the other night..."
And the conversation is over, for me, just like that. Oh, he's not looking to have a laugh...he's a dickhead insistent on trying to prove he's better than me for no particular reason.
In the job, I'm privileged enough to be able to hear a lot of stories about the girls' trials and tribulations with their current and prospective partners. Soul-destroying is the only term I can use. Not that I claim to be any better than the lads in question (though I'll fist-fight with anyone who says I'm not), but it's not reassuring to hear that you're sharing this planet with creatures so dense that they roll out the same clichés over...and over...and over, in matters of love.
Contrary to popular belief, though, all men aren't pigs. I always compare us more to dogs...in that we can be loyal, loving, caring and your best friend if you train us right. Or we can bite your hand off and leave you needing an injection up the arse if you don't. You just need to punish us when we do something wrong and let us know we won't get away with it again.
Often, I have to act as a translator when they rush in asking what this text could have possibly meant, why hasn't he called her, do I think there's somebody else...etc. This is quite fun once you realise that, no matter how accurate your translation may be, the women are still going to do exactly what they want to anyway. But, hey, it does lead to you being able to say "I told you so" a lot. And that's always fun.
So today, for fun, I'm going to put together a list of the most common clichés that need translating and give a catch-all explanation that should suffice 99% of all problems. No, hun, your drama isn't different to everyone else's. He's not special. He's a man and our main priorities are getting the ride, finding somebody who will make us nice dinners and occasionally let us out for a sociable with the lads before you drive us insane.
Oh, that is unless I've said one of these to one of you reading...that time was different...
Many thanks to everyone who chipped in with suggestions for clichés I could translate, by the way, I'd a great response on my Facebook and on boards.ie. Will name everyone who helped out at the end of the blog.
But without further adieu:
I'm so confused/I don't know what I want.
That girl I hooked up with while we broke up was hooooooooottt...but I'm not sure if she's up for riding regularly yet. So hang on there till I find out.
You mean the world to me.
Blah blah romantic shit, you better swallow for this bitch.
Come over here for a second, I just want to tell you something.
I'm bored talking, give us a kiss will ya?
I think it's best we stay friends, I couldn't risk losing your friendship.
Though sometimes, during weaker moments, I wouldn't mind a casual ride...I just couldn't justify bringing myself to do the deed on a regular basis. But your sound and keep me entertained until someone I do like comes along.
I would never cheat on you.
Unless you've specifically asked him if he would cheat on you, this translates into "I feel guilty because I know I'm going to cheat on you..."
I couldn't live without you.
I couldn't be arsed finding someone better.
You look amazing...
You're special/You're different...
I'm not like other guys.
Ride me, not other guys.
It's not that I don't love you, it's that I'm not in love with you.
You've a really fit friend who might say "Awww..." when you tell her about this part of the break-up.
I'm not looking for anything long-term.
I already know I'm going to regret this in the morning, but I've enough beers in me to be able to justify what I'm about to do...
It's not you, it's me.
It's neither of the above, it's the double chin you've grown since we started going out.
I love you.
I love regular sex.
I'm allergic to condoms.
Chlamydia isn't THAT bad!
She's just a friend!
Who I gave up on trying to ride about a year ago. BUT, if you stick around, she might just get jealous.........
(When cancelling a date) Something's after coming up!
I just saw what you looked like on Facebook. I am never drinking again.
No, I don't hate your mother.
I just hate what you're going to look like in 20 years.
It only happened once, meant nothing, I was really drunk and can't remember much about it.
Aww baby, why would I want anyone else?
They're all the way out there (nod, without even bothering to look, in the general direction of the window) and you have boobies that are right heeeere (stare).
Of course I don't like her! I only have eyes for you, you know that!
Shit shit shit...
You're much better looking than the rest of your friends!
Except for...(drifts off and starts thinking about having sex with that one girl who he's sure wasn't just being friendly at that house party...)
You're the only girl for me.
You're the only girl who'll put up with me.
You look better without make-up on.
Sometimes when we're out together...I feel like I'm walking beside a clown! There, I said it.
I'll do it later.
Now that you've brought it up again...I'll do it never. Well, until I need feeding at least.
If you have any more you'd like to add, or any alternative/better translations, feel free to add via the comments below.
MASSIVE THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE FOR CONTRIBUTING WITH CLICHÉS...
Maurizio Carschera, Lynda Cunningham, Robbie Elliot, Aisling McGovern, Kevin Metcalfe, Joey Farrell, (the rest are from boards.ie, hence the odd names): kincsem, dirtyghettokid, Bloody Nipples, krudler, Tandey, W.Shakes-Beer, PK2008, amdublin, hondasm, Jess16, DaShinsKelly, temptamperu, holystungun9, stupidusername, TheZohan, irish-stew, senorwipesalot, Greentopia, Tar.Aldarion, df1985, LETHAL LADY, aaronjumper, Richard Hillman, up for anything, baz2009, hazdanz, Topper Harley, Wibbs, Sinfonia, Snoopy1, Sl!mCharles, jive, Xivilai, LighterGuy.
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